TO UNEXPLAIN THE UNFORGIVEABLE

[the writing is very stiff]

Girls, make sure that you wrap yourselves up tightly this morning. It's frigid. Take turns holding the lanterns, and don't put them out for the few hours the sun is up. They should keep you a bit warmer. I don't want to have to treat any of you for [a pause] frost ... bite ...

...

Ah ... look. Out there, in the distance. Is that ... is that another group, walking in the same direction as we are ...?

It seems as though everyone is headed to Forna.

[Filter: Private]

Perhaps this means it wasn't such a stupid shot in the dark, after all? Dragons, it would be wonderful if we got there and found anything waiting for us aside from an empty ruin that protects us from nothing.

[FIlter: Private]

Why won't he just -- talk to me?!

This was the one thing going right. The one thing. I'm losing every single thing that matters, and I can't ... I can't ... but at least I could cling to the knowledge that Lancel was healing. I was fixing him. And now ...

He is miserable. There isn't any other word for it. He's absolutely miserable and I don't know what to do about it. I don't understand. I saved him. I saved him, the way that I couldn't save Kyrene, or Mother, or Myca ... finally, finally I saved someone, and instead of being happy with the life I've given them, it's ... it's like I did something wrong.

How could anyone be so disappointed at the possibility of living?

[a pause]

And I miss Lian. I miss her so badly. It hurts, being so separate from her, and wondering if she was ever really there at all. Nothing seems worthwhile. Nothing seems to matter. I can't even take any comfort in Stephanie, anymore. She seems ... so worthless in my arms. It isn't fulfilling to be with her. I only think of what Lian did out of jealousy for her, and how Lian will never be the same ever again, and ...

Lian was all I had left of Kyrene, in so many ways, and now ... now ...

Why, why, why can't he just be happy that he's healed? I don't understand. I don't understand.

[Filter: Private]

This ... has to be the most difficult thing I've ever ...

With Mother, with Kouri, with Kyrene, with Myca ... in the end, I knew, I always knew, that I'd done every single thing I could. It was all out of my hands. I gave ... everything to making it better, to fixing everything, to healing every wound. That was my comfort, even with it was so slim it barely counted for anything. I ... I took it for granted, even, I think, because now ...

Now, realizing how much it hurts and how hard it is to hold back and not give everything, I --

It's awful.

I don't even know what I want to do.

I need Edeyn here. I know the villages emptying and all the other rumours of conflicts in greater Korin are more important than my own personal ... but I need her. I just do. I always have. She's gone, and none of my other advisers is anything close to what I need. Jadrielle is doing everything she can, but I don't see what she wants from me, or why she wants it. She's always gone through Edeyn before, and nothing she's telling me is of any use at all ...

Dragons, I hate this. I hate all of it.

At least Lancel's treatment is going better than I ever could have hoped. At least something is going the way that it should be ...

[Filter: Edeyn]

Lian's stopped eating. Not completely ... but I've examined how much she's left on her plate, and it's enough that she could do herself harm ...

[Filter: Private]

I should talk to her about it ...

Something happened. Stephanie would never have lied, I know she wouldn't, Stephanie is pure and good and innocent and sweet. There isn't a lie in her. If she thinks that something happened, something happened.

... but it doesn't need to be what she thinks happened. She's a sensitive soul, the pure ones always are. If she took something the wrong way, she could have assumed the worst. And Linnell and Lissandra ... it would be just like them to make her believe the worst. Linnell, especially. Lately, I don't even know what to do with that girl.

So if it was just something small, why approach Lian? Why scare her? She'll think I'm attacking her, and why not? That will be what it sounds like. I could drive a wedge between us I could never fix, and that ... that would be ...

... but then there's what Lancel told me. He wouldn't have lied, either. Or would he? I found him with Lian, in that position ... he might have said anything to have me not assume the worst. Maybe he lied. Maybe he told Linnell or Stephanie that lie, and somehow it got mixed in with everything, and, and ...




Disease is easier than daughters.

[Filter: Public]

Lancel really does seem to be responding well to the treatment. I'm still not confident enough to say that it's healing him -- it may just be treating his symptomns. But it's been long enough that I'm getting very, very optimistic.

I may tell him, soon. At least that I might be able to give him some sort of almost normal life, if the treatment continues to keep his sickness manageable. He's still weak, but he has colour, and I saw him up and about earlier this week ...

I ...

I started Lancel on his treatment today.

I had to modify it a bit from the book, and I was worried about side effects -- none of the agents are dangerous in the quantity they're given on their own, but it's hard to tell how they'll interact. But I've tested it on some pigs, and they didn't show any negative effects. I'll have to have faith in my gut.

My gut ... it says more than just that this won't hurt him.

I have a good feeling. Lancel's illness ... I've never seen anything exactly like it, and neither have any of the scholars who've penned the books I've written. But the one I found is similar in every way I can find, and if ...

I can't let myself get my hopes up. I've lost too many for that, and I had moments like this with Kyrene ... and my mother ... and ... and Myca ...

But it's possible. It is that.

[Filter: House Veirnan]

Girls, I hate to do this, but ... I think I need your assistance.

It's these books Lord Grigory sent to us, the ones I've been using to research Lancel's condition. I've scarcely done anything but pour through them for months, now, and ... well, I'm just not making near enough headway as I thought I would. There's so much information ... their libraries really are as extensive as we've heard.

If ... if all of you wouldn't mind, would you be willing to take shifts helping me go through them? I'll give you a list of terms and subjects to watch for, and if you find anything in a book that relates to them, you can put them in a pile for me to look over.

I know this doesn't sound like fun, but this information could help save Lancel, and it could be good for your studies, as well ...

[Filter: Lian]

Sweetling! I, ah, I had a thought, and I can't really do it alone, and I perhaps should have gone to Lissandra, but ...

Ah, well, I'd rather it be you.

[Filter: Edeyn]

... I'm not sure why you haven't been writing, lately. I don't even know what's all going on there. But I ... I do wish that you were here to write to me, today.

The girls made me a wonderful dinner, as always, and I gave them all flowers, as always. They were happy with the attention. Haha, as always. And then ... then I came back here, and I thought of Kyrene. And ... Myca. Both of them. And I thought you, and how you're always here on this day. How you always cook for me, yourself. And how you always ... listen.

And never really judge. Even though ... I know you want to.

I almost miss you as much as I miss them. Isn't that odd?

Stephanie says she thinks you might be coming home, soon. Dragons, I hope that's true. Everything here is a mess, without you, I swear. And I just ... miss you. Both of you.

Haha, and maybe you won't even see this. I can hope, I suppose.

[Filter: Private]

I just ... don't understand why she would take Stephanie.

Stephanie isn't the one to bring, Lissandra is. Lissandra would have learned more from it. And Edeyn's barely seemed interested in her before, so it's not as if she's just project, or something of the sort. It just ... it doesn't make sense.

It doesn't add up.

Dragons, I miss her. I do. She's not as fresh and as pure as she was, once ... and she's certainly not Myca. But ... I just feel like the world makes more sense when I'm with her. That despite everything, Myca and Kyrene and Mother, and even what's happening to poor Lancel, there's goodness and innocence and I can ... touch it.

... did she ask Edeyn to take her away? Did I scare her? Did I push too hard? I ...

[Filter: Lian]

Did you have a nice time at our picnic, darling? It was a little chillier than I'd envisioned ...

[Filter: Private]

She's ...

She's certainly grown. She doesn't have that peachy, childlike beauty, anymore. She has a woman's body now, a woman's face. But her manner, her way, it's still ...

I wonder if ... she's grown, I've grown, it's been some time. Isn't it possible that she could have changed her mine about ... everything? If she did, Edeyn couldn't even judge. She's an adult now. Edeyn would never have to know what's been happening. Stephanie wouldn't either.

She's not ... she's beautiful, like this. She isn't that same ... she doesn't make my knees weak with wanting to protect her, anymore, but she's ripened, and ...

If she might have changed her mind, it would be the best Festival gift I could ever receive.

It's ... worth asking, isn't it?

[Filter: Stephanie]

Stephanie, you ... you look ... so beautiful, in that dress. When I saw it finished, I imagined how it would be on you, but I wasn't prepared for just how stunning you looked.

I hope you like it.